Drunken Advice From a Stranger

Starring Your Favorite Inspirational Life Coaches, Dimmie and Kookster


so we have our first request for advice.  Also we’re drunk, and the L button on Kookster’s laptop only works if I press it really hard.

So here is the following request for advice from Dogged In Denver.

I think my dog, “Kronos, Master of All Space and Time,” has a death wish.  All
he seems to do is annoy things that are bigger than him (which is everything as
he’s a jack russell terrier), chew on my belongings, and attempt to jump from
high places.  He’s a very smart dog because he comes when I call him and he is
very good at knowing when it’s dinner time even though I’m reasonably sure he
cannot read a clock.  Please help me.  How can I prevent my dog from killing
Dogged in Dover

So Kookster says that you should go back in time, and not get a a Jack Russel Terrier, because they are fucking crazy, they appear to not need sleep. Obviously though, this is not going to happen; time travel, although cool, is not really possible.

So you have a Jack Russel Terrier, and you can not time travel to a point where you did not have a Jack Russel Terrier, therefore, agility training, agility training, agility training, sign that dog up for some agility training ASAP.  The only fucking thing you can do, is give your dog so much fucking exercise that he forgets that he does not need to sleep.  They are ratters (I.E. dogs bred to hunt rats), so that is where their nippy little barky fucker personality comes from.

Also, if he is not neutered, you are a bad person.  His balls are not an extension of your own masculinity, so chop those fuckers off (if you have done so already, then congrats).  Neutered males are calmer then un-neutered.

Agility training, as previously suggested, should help with the chewing and the jumping from high places.  Also, any teacher who could train your dog in agility knows what the fuck they are talking about, and can help with such problems as dog aggression.

We really don’t think you should ever have kids.  Unfortunately Jack Russel Terriers have a really hard time accepting little people like kids as people, because they run around and trigger their ratter instincts.  It might be trained out with a good teacher, but it’s really ingrained to the Jack Russel Terrier, so fuck it, you might not want kids until that dog dies, cuz he will bite the fuck out of your offspring.

Your vet can probably refer you to an agility trainer.  Don’t confuse this with basic doggie school, since that mostly trains for commands, and it seems like your dog has the basics down (you said he was smart)

My face is numb so I made Kookster slap it, but I felt that, so I probably am OK.  Thank you for your good question, we are actually really well prepared for pet questions, even when we’re so drunk we collapse in giggles while trying to type a reasonable reply.

Anyone else who need advice, we’re drunk enough to advise you tonight so email your questions to drunkenadvicefromastranger@gmail.com or go to the contact section of our website.