Drunken Advice From a Stranger

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Jeremy wrote:
Hi. I have a problem. I live on this little rocky planet called Earth, nestled
into the western spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy. On Earth, most of the
population seems to believe that some kind of angry, extreme right-wing messiah
is going to arrive soon and that the end of the world is some sort of a good
thing! In fact, they even appear to look forward to it. Some of them are trying
to help this happen! I am afraid that this may not be such a good thing, because
we actually just got into smashing atoms together a few decades ago, and making
chain reactions that destroy whole cities at a time. I know this because some
people actually used a couple of these bombs not too long after they invented
them. Now, some of the principalities here have thousands of these bombs – more
than enough to wipe out all life here in the span of hours. And that’s nothing,
because now we’re getting bored with that and making weapons that kill a little
more slowly via disease and poisoning and stuff. Besides that, some of the Head
Chieftains of these principalities are even crazier than the regular ones who
want to see the end of the world. I’m not sure what they have in mind, but i’m
reasonably certain that they’re trying to top the whole end of the world thing
somehow.

So my question is: how the hell am i supposed to live here? I don’t have a ride
and not enough money to leave, plus i am ashamed to say that even though we can
destroy whole planets, we haven’t yet figured out how to leave one, never gotten
the hang of space travel (beyond just driving around the block and back), so i’m
stuck here and so is everybody else, including the crazies. I have to live among
these crazy religious fools who want to help bring about the complete end of
civilization and all life. It’s getting kinda difficult, you guys.

Jeremy,  cheer up, it’s not as bad as it seems, pretty soon we’ll not only be able to destroy the earth but the universe as well.

In the meantime however, sometimes the best you can do is prepare yourself as well as you can.  Have you built yourself a bug out bag?  A bag packed with all the items you would need to survive for three if you had to leave your dwelling in a hurry.  Is your home stocked with food and water, could you bug in if you had to?

The best you can do is prepare for the worst, but never lose sight of enjoying what you have.  

this is a deep well thought out question, so I refrained from cussing.

P.S. please not to bleed too much from your anus, any anal bleeding should be addressed immediatly by a medical professional. 

Note from Hawk: Protect your puddin cup.

Bung Bung wrote:

I am a banana and my spoon is tooo big!
what should I do?

Bung Bung, under the circumstances, I would recommend you not let your anus bleed too much.  If you notice any anal bleeding, please seek medical attention immediately .

Hot Shit decided to ramp up our rating by discussing her sex life:

My Boyfriend’s in L.A. right now doing something for the film industry, and I
want to support his career, but I don’t want to move to fucking LA!  How can I
get him to stay in Chicago, but not be a bad girlfriend?
p.s. oh and also I want to constantly have sex with him, that’s the most
important thing, but I DON”T WANT TO MOVE TO L A !!!!  But lots of sex.  THat’s
important. Sex

Well, to be honest, if any important person in my life went to LA to join the porn sex scene, I’d feel a little betrayed.  The primary thing to look at here is that the boy is trying to earn a living. He obviously has some sort of family values, in the way that he’d like to support you, with his porno-sexing ways. Knowing this, I believe, makes it easier to accept that you  may only see him at rare intervals, due to his frequenting other….people.. It’s most important right now to know that he loves you, and that his fucking journey is just so that he can grow closer to you.

No seriously, he’s in LA, he’s probably fucking other chicks, you don’t need to go that road, you shouldn’t wait for him.  Don’t be a whore, but move on with your life.  Also, we note you never mention love, only sex, so that’s pretty indicative of how things are between you.  End it, make it clean, and go on. There are plenty of other good penises in chicago.  If you should meet him again, he may be happily married, and you will say ‘thank Dim I dodged a fucking bullet’.  If he’s not married, fuck the shit out of that fucking boy because his cock is the shit, but don’t commit to anything until you are sober.

PS. Don’t Be a whore, let me repeat, don’t be a fucking whore.  Break up with him BEFORE you fuck all the hot cocks in chicago.   This is important. 

your answer is a collaborative response from Hawk, Dimmie and Kookster, we only drink because we love you.

since you fuckers aren’t asking us for more advice, but we keep getting drunker I only have the following to say:

cunt! CUNT! fuck! CUNT! you cunt fucker mother fuckers.

Maif wrote:

How can I make tomorrow night’s Housewarming Party even awesomer than it’s
already going to be?  How can I possibly improve the Disco Cave?
How did you go so long without discovering that the back gate to the Dumpster
has no lock?  Where have you been putting your trash?

So this one is obviously not from a stranger, there fore I deem it only worthy of the following responses:

1.  Your mom

2. Your face

3. Your mom’s face is gay

4. UPINYA!!!!!

Please note, requests from actual strangers will be answered with the best advice our well meaning but drunk minds can come up with.

got this question tonight.

doris wrote:
I think my daughter may have a drinking problem but how can i be sure what
things should I look for and would an intervetion with her closets friends be
the best way to deal with this problem

This is all Dim.  I think it’s great that you are trying to connect with your daughter through her latest hobbies, but Doris, this is kind of awkward, and she only has a problem when I enable her .

so we have our first request for advice.  Also we’re drunk, and the L button on Kookster’s laptop only works if I press it really hard.

So here is the following request for advice from Dogged In Denver.

I think my dog, “Kronos, Master of All Space and Time,” has a death wish.  All
he seems to do is annoy things that are bigger than him (which is everything as
he’s a jack russell terrier), chew on my belongings, and attempt to jump from
high places.  He’s a very smart dog because he comes when I call him and he is
very good at knowing when it’s dinner time even though I’m reasonably sure he
cannot read a clock.  Please help me.  How can I prevent my dog from killing
himself?
Signed,
Dogged in Dover

So Kookster says that you should go back in time, and not get a a Jack Russel Terrier, because they are fucking crazy, they appear to not need sleep. Obviously though, this is not going to happen; time travel, although cool, is not really possible.

So you have a Jack Russel Terrier, and you can not time travel to a point where you did not have a Jack Russel Terrier, therefore, agility training, agility training, agility training, sign that dog up for some agility training ASAP.  The only fucking thing you can do, is give your dog so much fucking exercise that he forgets that he does not need to sleep.  They are ratters (I.E. dogs bred to hunt rats), so that is where their nippy little barky fucker personality comes from.

Also, if he is not neutered, you are a bad person.  His balls are not an extension of your own masculinity, so chop those fuckers off (if you have done so already, then congrats).  Neutered males are calmer then un-neutered.

Agility training, as previously suggested, should help with the chewing and the jumping from high places.  Also, any teacher who could train your dog in agility knows what the fuck they are talking about, and can help with such problems as dog aggression.

We really don’t think you should ever have kids.  Unfortunately Jack Russel Terriers have a really hard time accepting little people like kids as people, because they run around and trigger their ratter instincts.  It might be trained out with a good teacher, but it’s really ingrained to the Jack Russel Terrier, so fuck it, you might not want kids until that dog dies, cuz he will bite the fuck out of your offspring.

Your vet can probably refer you to an agility trainer.  Don’t confuse this with basic doggie school, since that mostly trains for commands, and it seems like your dog has the basics down (you said he was smart)

My face is numb so I made Kookster slap it, but I felt that, so I probably am OK.  Thank you for your good question, we are actually really well prepared for pet questions, even when we’re so drunk we collapse in giggles while trying to type a reasonable reply.

Anyone else who need advice, we’re drunk enough to advise you tonight so email your questions to drunkenadvicefromastranger@gmail.com or go to the contact section of our website.

If you are ready for Dimmie and/or Kookster to survey the travails of your life through their unique blend of incisive insight and bleary-eyed haze, please email your troubles to drunkenadvicefromastranger@gmail.com or submit them using our contact form.

When Dimmie and Kookster are appropriately drunk, they will happily answer all your requests regarding, love, romance, family, finances, employment, friendship, etc.